ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Someone shit on the floor
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
