I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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