I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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