Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
