My balls are so social today.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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