I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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