The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
