Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He has the fingertips of a God
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
