You're so nebulous sometimes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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