Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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