Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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