4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize