i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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