It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
