hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
