My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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