I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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