i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
