I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
