Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
