I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
