So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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