I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
