i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
