At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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