When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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