I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
