Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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