I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
