Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
