Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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