When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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