I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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