I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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