The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
