pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Four minutes until I can fart!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
