Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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