the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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