We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i just made my gag reflex go away.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
