70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
