i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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