Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
