dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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