got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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