he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
