Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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