They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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