girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
