Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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