Screwed.edu
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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