So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
