On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
