Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
