Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
