brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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