i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
