Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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