I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
