I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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