i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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