I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
