'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
